April 1, 2011
ARLINGTON, TX- In an innovative move to improve public transportation, the Arlington transit authority announced today that it would hire clairvoyants and psychic readers to train bus passengers in the art of extra-sensory prediction.
“It was the cheapest way we could think of to help riders figure out when their bus is coming or where it’s going, especially since budget cuts mean we won’t be providing any bus stops, signage, or shelters,” explained Arlington Mayor Robert Cluck.
Citing the expense of “next bus arrival” technology, mobile transit apps, interactive web-based trip planning, and even printed bus schedules, the transit agency decided on paranormal methods of communicating with its riders. Madame Glinda, a parapsychologist, psychic nutritionist, and resident of the ancient Babylonian City of Lagash, suddenly appeared on the door steps of City Hall moments after the announcement was made. “I’m pretty sure she didn’t get here by bus,” exclaimed Mayor Cluck.
When asked if she would accept the position as Head of Telepathic Marketing and Astral Communication, she replied, "I knew you were going to ask me that question. If I can communicate with your great aunt Gladys about where she hid the jewels, I can teach transit riders how to read their bus driver's mind, just in case they are not able to interpret the psychic energy generated by the buses themselves."
The transit agency’s director of operations, Tanya Waterhouse, predicts the new transit service will begin trial operation in approximately six months, and according to her last tarot reading, there is also a chance she will meet a tall, dark, handsome stranger who will take her on a long journey.