April 1, 2011
SADDLE RIVER, NJ- An unlikely coalition of retired traffic engineers, trucking company executives, suburban politicians and New York Post reporters unveiled here today a new proposal to eliminate all traffic congestion in New York City by 2025. The bold plan involves widening all roads to a minimum of twenty lanes and deporting all bike riders to the Netherlands.
The genius of the idea is that not only will there be plenty of space for cars in the short term, but because so many homes and businesses will be removed no one will ever have a reason to visit the city in the future. This will also solve the city’s transit budget woes, since no one will need to use the subway.
The millions of people who lose their homes or jobs as the city comes to resemble the outer suburbs of Cleveland, can move into the vast underground space vacated by the subway trains- another sustainable aspect of the plan.